It’s not hard to be a great playmate but men do need some help navigating the basics of being a single male in the swing lifestyle. Read our guide for single men who want to swing and how to maximize your swinging fun for you, and your playmates!
Learn about the swing lifestyle, the realities and the unspoken rules
Before you even create your online profile do your research. There is a wealth of information available online. Blogs on sites like Swingles, swingers forums, podcasts and google will all give you access to information for newbies. It’s important to gain an understanding of why couples want to explore the swing lifestyle and how you, as a single guy, fit into that picture.
More importantly learn what it isn’t and let go of some of the misconceptions you might have. Couples are selective, it’s not a “throw your keys in a bowl” situation (in fact, there’s little proof that key parties ever truly existed) and only a handful of couples are looking for a single man to join them. So stay in your lane and focus on the couples who are looking for men.
Creating your online profile
This is where a lot of men come unstuck – creating an appealing online adult dating profile. If you want to stand out then you need to put time into creating a profile which will appeal to the couples you want to attract. Be honest and don’t spam couples who are not interested in single guys. And don’t say you’re single if you’re cheating on your wife, and definitely don’t create a fake couples profile with an imaginary partner and then suddenly the female isn’t available to play. Couples have seen it before and you will be blocked from further contact.
An engaging profile is about creating an emotional connection. It’s not about how big your dick is or how much you love giving oral. Our advice is to read the profiles of "Couples looking for Men" and see the language they use and what they’re looking for and take their lead creating a profile which will get their attention. Please, please post a face photo, even if it’s in a Private Gallery and we would prefer that you don’t “shove” your dick in our face as your profile photo.
Listen more, talk less
So you’ve made a connection with a couple online! Fantastic! But how do you progress this to a meet or a playdate? Whether you’re online or you are meeting for the first time, talk to BOTH of them, not just the wife. After all he is giving you permission to fuck his wife. He has to like you. He has to feel you are respectful. He has to feel you are someone they could potentially get naked with. Yes of course discuss what you want to get out of the connection - a one-off playdate or an ongoing fuck buddy or friends with benefits arrangement - but really, this is about them. So gain an understanding of their relationship dynamic, and start to build a connection like you would with anyone you want to be friends with.
Attending your first swingers party
There are clubs which invite single guys so let’s talk about attending a swingers club! Either you’ve been added to the guest list of a club or a couple have brought you along as their plus one. You’ve been given an opportunity here!
Firstly, think of it as going on a date. Dress to impress, freshly showered, well groomed, keep aftershave to a minimum or not at all … all the basics you would expect if you were meeting someone for a date with the potential of having sex.
Some tips for first timers:
- Know the rules of this particular swingers club/swingers party and abide by them.
- Arrive on time and don’t arrive empty handed.
- If you are not sure about etiquette, ask someone.
- If doors or curtains are closed, they are closed for a reason.
- If you are the guest of a couple, follow their lead.
- Don’t try to sneak into an area which is couples only.
- No cameras.
- Drink in moderation because erections and excessive alcohol don’t go together.
- No means no, and safe sex practices are expected.
- Don’t invite a girl along as your partner with a plan to ditch her at the first opportunity.
- If it’s a theme night, please make an effort. It’s a conversation starter and shows you have made an effort.
There are more rules which might be for a specific venue or style of party so do your research before you leave home.
Always remember that if you behave badly the club will either give you a warning or you will be asked to leave. There are plenty of single men out there who would love to take your place so don’t risk being banned from future club nights or parties.
If you’ve registered to attend a party but been declined don’t abuse the party organizer - there are plenty of parties out there and plenty of couples - so don’t argue, complain about the entry price or that they have an age limit or have reached their single guy ratio limit. Just move on.
Keep your expectations realistic and check your attitude at the door
It’s often said that some of the best nights are the ones where you don’t have high expectations. Remember that entry to a party does not guarantee you will have sex. A swingers party does not resemble a porno shoot, the majority of action at a swingers party is social and sometimes the play happens after the party when they invite you to join them off premises.
Don’t be frustrated if the night of carnal pleasures you imagined turned out to be a social night where you chatted to some couples. Follow our advice and you will have memorable nights of passionate sex with amazing people. Don’t be pushy. Don’t be aggressive. Just play it cool.
The only attitude you should have is a party attitude!
Be respectful, classy and confident
There are a few things which single men get wrong in a swingers club environment:
- Don’t just sit at the bar all night or be that creepy guy in the shadows. Smile and appear approachable.
- Remember swinging couples are a team. If you want to approach a couple, do it when they are both there, not when the husband walks away to refresh his drink.
- Don’t launch into a conversation about sex or push for sex. We want a bit of flirtation and cheeky banter. We can talk about sex if we decide it’s you we want to have sex with.
- We don’t want to see you wanking outside the open door while we have sex, and we don’t want to be touched or have unsolicited offers to join in.
- Don’t lie and say you’re checking out the club before you bring your imaginary partner. We’ve heard it before and we didn’t believe it the first time and we don’t believe it now.
- Don’t take rejection personally, just accept it graciously, as you would expect if you decline an invitation from a couple you’re not interested in.
- Don’t tell tales about other couples even if it’s a really great story or reveal their secrets or their real names. It’s just not cool.
- If you bump into someone outside of the club environment, don’t rush over to talk about what happened at the club, take your cue from them even if it’s a polite nod and a shy smile.
- If someone took photos (with your permission) don’t add them to your profile or send them to anyone else without asking permission. Dude, it’s just about respect.
- Bare skin or a skimpy outfit does not give you permission to touch someone.
- Watching play is fine, but if participants look uncomfortable or ask you to move away, please do so.
- Don’t lie about your experience whether it’s your swinging experience or that you’re into certain kinks or fetishes, honesty is the best way to seal the deal.
So always show that you are respectful, polite, engaging and accommodating in a swing club environment as well as online.
Consent! Consent! Consent!
Always remember that the couple you want to have sex with have already discussed their boundaries and rules for play before they met you, eg. kissing might be off limits. It’s up to you to play within those boundaries and obtain full consent. Don’t try to shift their boundaries or be disrespectful about their rules – it’s their rules after all.
It’s also up to you to ensure you have fluid consent every step of the way. You get invited to play – either at a swingers party or privately – you need to check in. Constantly! It might seem awkward at first but navigating consent is your responsibility. By all means take note of non-verbal cues and body language but checking in with “are you ok if I do this” or “is this something you’d like me to do” will signal you are a respectful and considerate playmate who plays within boundaries.
And of course it works both ways. You have the right to say no and the right to remove consent at any time or not participate in something you don’t feel comfortable doing.
It’s also important not to make assumptions. Just because a swinger couple has played a certain way doesn’t mean the next couple you meet will have the same boundaries or rules or lack thereof. Like any relationships, they are all unique so leave your assumptions at the door.
Ditch the drama
Remember that girl who was so clingy after you had sex. Don’t be that person. If you have sex with a couple don’t presume you will get an invite for a repeat performance. And don’t take it personally; they might only have the occasional threesome; perhaps the sexual chemistry wasn’t as good as they hoped; perhaps they have a “once only” rule. Don’t be needy or overwhelm them with a dozen follow up messages in the first week. And definitely don’t create drama for them.
Build the relationship
If things went well and you’re still in contact and talking about hooking up again, start to build on the relationship. Ask them what they’d like to do next time, explore their fantasies or perhaps yours. And again remember to chat to both of them. Many couples start swinging to create new friendships and connections outside of their normal social circle of moms and dads so take the time to nurture that connection.
Send a thank you or validation
Social skills and good manners are important in the swinging lifestyle. A message to thank a couple for a great night even if you didn’t have sex is always appreciated as are sincere compliments. And of course writing a Validation (certification) to say you’ve met them in person and the couple is genuine is valued.
Single males in the swing lifestyle are plentiful, the whole supply and demand situation is stacked against you. And there is a learning curve. Your first swingers club visit will definitely be a minefield of nervous excitement but the more you talk to couples the more comfortable you are going to feel in your abilities to engage them both in and out of the bedroom.
We hope the advice we’ve shared in this guide will help you to stand out from the crowd and experience all that the lifestyle has to offer.